The Documentation Of My Downfall

The Heroes Dream (?!)

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:24:19 GMT

So I had a 1-2 hour long dream based in the Heroes universe. There was all sorts of random shit in it, the characters were mixed up (eg, people in the Heroes universe were just 'stand ins' in my dream for other characters) etc.

I won't explain it all, since most of it was just random dream stuff. Though the closing to the 'episode' was pretty well done. It'll be heavily simplified here. The dream-characters were represented by whoever is in the brackets afterward. I did have to experience the dream in both 1st and 3rd (Well, it was really me as Parkman, and me as some other random depending on what was going on (or me as the camera)) Unfortunately for me, no matter what position I was in I felt every emotion, no matter how strong.
---
Over the course of the dream, a mother (Strauss) and daughter (Molly) were seperated for whatever reason. At the end of the dream, the daughter's (Molly) guard (Parkman) finally got the daughter back to the mother (Strauss). At this point, random person who was being hunted (Daphne) was shot at by life-sucking guy (Haitian) (He could instill his power into his gun) as the mother (Strauss) was entering the area. Huntee got knocked down and the bullet ended up going in to the mother.

As the life slowly started draining out of her and she began to rapidly age, guard ran up to her and began feverishly applying his ability (to instill/transfer life, thus regenerating her to an appropriate age and himself to an older age) but they found that whenever he let go, the process began reversing.

The guard and mother then got up, closely attached so as not to lose contact so that the mother could say her goodbyes to her newly returned daughter.

At some stage the mother started saying goodbye to her daughter, and began to sing. At this point the regeneration began to lose its effect entirely and she began turning into ash. The 'camera' began to float up as if it was a part of her floating away, as her singing/humming continued even after she was gone.
---

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:26:51 GMT

I used to be a cynic... I held nothing but contempt for the human race as a whole.

Now that I've started studying Criminology & Criminal Justice however...

I find myself actively thinking about wiping us out.

This cannot be healthy for me.

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:43:29 GMT

"...protect your family at all costs, even if you're forced to kill again.

Because if I had to, I'd wipe out the whole planet to get mine back."
----
John Smith - Felon

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 06:43:42 GMT

It's strange having a passport now.

When I run my hands over it, my fingers dancing through the pages.

It makes me feel... whole?

Oh fu--

Mon, 26 May 2008 15:45:01 GMT

So I penned my requirements... penned the reasoning behind all of my life issues.

I'm not satisfied.

I really don't feel like putting it in to words.

However:

I should be looking for somewhere to live soon, hopefully somewhere with fairly nominal fees, preferably with people I know (or at least people I can get along with fairly easily).

Blah blah, rant rant.

Et. al.

...and if there is no moon upon the hill

Wed, 21 May 2008 16:09:26 GMT

I've been losing control for the last few weeks... maybe even months.

Slowly my dreams are seeping in to my reality, I find myself getting an association with something thats happened in a dream several times a day, like I'm being pulled between consciousness' by some unseen hand.

It's getting to the point where my world is actually beginning to warp around me at times, I've been feeling spaced out (like I'm drugged out on painkillers) more frequently as the days go by and it's beginning to culminate in the occasional aberration, a tear, some kind of scratch where some other dimension is trying to claw its way into my own.

Things that would only ever happen in my nightmares are beginning to become part of my everyday world. Not horrors, but twists in the fabric of the universe.

I'm actually afraid... afraid that these are the final signs of my reality coming to an end and my mind entering some kind of permanently altered state that I might not ever be able to come back from.

I truly fear that I may become someone else and never even remember what it's like to be who I once was.
---
"You lock the door and throw away the key. There's someone in my head... but it's not me." - Pink Floyd, Brain Damage

Fri, 16 May 2008 14:02:20 GMT

My mind has been altered in some dramatic way.

My problem solving skills have gone through the roof, my ability to think multiple divergent paths (entire trees) of thoughts and action/reaction/consequence lines is extending beyond anything I've had in the past.

I've been merely looking at things that are broken and working out what is wrong and how to fix it.

Blah blah blah I went away and came back and can't be fucked with the rest! Rejoice!

---

Playing with the space-time continuum is like bomb diving into a wading pool. It might seem funny to onlookers and might make a big splash, but it'll be followed by screams and pain.

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:43:10 GMT

I'm completely sure that there's an excerpt of 'Ministry - Corrosion' in the Syndicate Wars PC intro.

As the agents open fire...

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:11:13 GMT

...and with each death I find myself falling slightly further into somewhere I'm becoming less afraid to go.

Soon, I shall lose my footing and close my eyes until I land.
--
May you suffer this earth no longer

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:55:15 GMT

There might be one or two people on my friends list who actually have a clue who this is but...

Kieran died this morning...

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 16:00:58 GMT

I'm not exactly sure what's wrong... whether it's the bender I went on Friday night, or the fact that there aren't people in the house other than myself for a couple of days.

I seem to have lost the part of my mind that tells me when to sleep, I'm awake... really awake, totally here, feeling a little weird, but still all here.

Then I realise it's been a 'long' time since I slept and look at the time to find that it's some ridiculous hour since I got up and that I've been staying away for at least 20 hours at a time since friday.

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 20:37:57 GMT

Haha, there's a ginormous black cloud moving at high speed across the horizon outside my window.

It looks like some kind of alien mothership floating on by.

Edit: Okay... the mothership just grew in size and blotted out the sun, covering half of the visible sky in that direction.

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 11:36:26 GMT

Oh a shooting star, so close... so bright.
-----
"The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long... and you have burned so very very brightly Roy..." -Eldon Tyrell, Blade Runner

This one's for you kid...

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 15:32:08 GMT

Random note for later:
Becoming intoxicated and releasing ones body to their instincts improves every single function of the body, especially high speed movement.
There is no thought, the brain commands the body to react instantly.

Oh my, I haven't experimented with this in years.

(Oh and by 'ones' I mean, mine, so if it doesn't work for you... sod off)

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 13:58:21 GMT

Work, damn you, work.

Liar liar pants on fire

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 01:54:30 GMT

It's not working, the drugs...
The need to move is building
The compulsion to do is returning with a vengeance.
I sincerely feel the need building to turn into a fireball, scorching everything around me as I purge the so called energies that have built up over the years and slowly made me incapable of doing anything slowly.

...and in the fires, I will burn.

I want you smothered, want you covered... like my waffle house hash browns.

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 10:56:01 GMT

I think I need help.

I spent an hour tonight in town being followed by the tune to "The Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch".
I was pretty much mouthing the lyrics to it because I had it stuck in my head and I was bouncing along to it.

Oh god, *facepalm*

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 09:58:47 GMT

Some fantastic perspective art-work I came across

...like liquid...

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 08:22:22 GMT

Until today I hadn't been hypomanic for nearly two months.

Good thing right?

WRONG

Once I learnt that hypomania can be quite beneficial if used correctly, I set to working out how to best utilise it. I do believe I found out how.

Apart from having to control my occasional rambling too fast for people to understand and the fact that I have to pretty much keep my legs jiggling madly regardless of what I'm doing I'm able to focus the energy and... well, that thing I do that seems to make my movements for tasks almost instinctual, like a movement based on a pre-thought for -anything- that I need to do, comes into best effect when I'm in these states. I'm even able to handle certain things like knives in a manner that doesn't injure me but seems to look rather dangerous.

Every movement flows into the next like liquid. One long movement, multiple tasks, but one long movement to accomplish them all together.

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 09:17:40 GMT

Bad fucking day

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 14:21:49 GMT

Hmm... I just remembered.

I've noticed that there's certain people that it just seems impossible for me to dream about. I've never been able to force a dream including them, nor have I ever had a random dream involving them or even the mention of them by other people. (There is the odd dream where -I- will mention someone who's not there, someone that I can't dream about, but they never appear)

Investigate

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 09:06:24 GMT

I seem to be back to what was 'normal' for me earlier in the year. A perpetually light mood, the odd giggle out of me when something amuses me, the ability to smile almost at nothing.

...and the occasional smug look that crosses my face for no reason.

Once again, medicine helps me continue living properly. How wonderful.

Perhaps it's a sign.

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 10:38:02 GMT

Detachment...

Anything requiring focus, separation of stimuli, ongoing thought ... it all feels blocked to me. Like I'm surrounded by a barrier of null space and I can't quite reach through.

Very little emotion at the moment, though I'm still all jiggly physically.

I'm unable to sing properly, speak properly... it's like someone's slowly shutting me down.

I can't divide music, I can't hear anything other than this vague blur of sounds. Blur in, noise, blur out. It seriously feels like I'm so hammered I can't think or hear pro perly. That kind of blur. Drunken blur.

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 16:15:07 GMT

So I went out, sober.
I came home, sober.
I spent every bit in between... sober.

Weird night, different to see places without the drunken haze over them.
Though it wasn't my choice, something reacted badly after my first drink or two and I just started to feel ill.
In fact, I still feel ill even now, and I haven't had anything to drink for at least three hours.

See how I go next time hmm?

Like a child who lost their parents in the supermarket...

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 08:35:38 GMT

One of my friends mentioned a feeling he had, a perfect description for something that was nameless to me.

It truly is amazing what people can accomplish when they work together. Even on the lowest of levels, merely sharing thoughts and idea's helps one to fill in the blanks in their own understanding or their own descriptions of things.

What is also amazing, possibly even more amazing, is how people can passively refuse to work together toward a common goal. No matter how 'good' or important that goal is to them, they won't work with you as an equal, they will manage to find a way to not do it unless they are following you.

Human nature has always been flawed... but now I'm remembering why there are leaders and followers.

--

"Follow me... into the storm"